Dave Ts Pros and Cons of Stuff Everyone Has

(Originally posted on Big Wheel Biker Gang)

Here are the intros to all 30 blog posts. You can read the full entries by clicking the links on the side bar.

 

-Week 1 of 30-

Water

 

Okay, so, welcome to my new column, “Dave T’s Pros and Cons of Stuff Everyone Has.”

Our first item: WATER.

 

-Week 2 of 30-

Fingernails

 

Look at your hand. On the tips of your fingers (the long tubey things) you’ll see kinda shiny, kinda clear, hard things shaped like the face-shields on space suits. Those are FINGERNAILS.

 

-Week 3 of 30-

Belly Buttons

 

Lift up your shirt. If you have on an undershirt, lift that as well. Ladies, if you’re wearing Spanx, push them down to your waist. Gentlemen, if you’re wearing Spanx, stop it. Now look at the middle of your belly about three-quarters of the way down. See that hole? Don’t rush to the ER. That’s your BELLY BUTTON.

 

-Week 4 of 30-

Dreams

 

I’m not talking about your dream of curing cancer and being honored the world over with statues, monuments, and all kinds of free sh*t. I’m not talking about your dream of being able to fly so you’ll never have to drive the Schuylkill Expressway ever again. I’m not talking about your dream of getting to act opposite a Muppet in a Hollywood film. I’m talking about actual DREAMS.

 

-Week 5 of 30-

Smells

 

Sniff. Do you smell anything? If you smell anything, that thing that you smell is called a SMELL.

(I could use “odor” and it would make a lot of these sentences flow better. But I won’t. Instead, I’ll give you a final count on how many times I use the word smell in this article.)

If you don’t smell anything, that means you have anosmia, the inability to smell smells. This can be a temporary or permanent condition. Hopefully it’s the former. Either way, go put on more deodorant and some cologne/perfume right now, just in case you reek and no one has the heart to tell you.

 

-Week 6 of 30-

Hairs

 

Go look in a mirror. Look at the area above your eyes. See those sideways Cs (or maybe one long sideways I)? Those are your eyebrows. They are made up of HAIRS.

I chose eyebrows because that’s a place nearly everyone has hairs. If you don’t have any hairs there, you may be suffering from alopecia universalis (all-over-the-place baldness).

 

-Week 7 of 30-

Birthdays

 

I turned 30 on May 26. I had a BIRTHDAY. And it inspired today’s post.

 

-Week 8 of 30-

Clothes

 

But, Dave, you say (before I’ve even written a word, I might add), I am a nudist, and I never wear clothes, so this is not a stuff everyone has. And I say to you: nonsense. I say: poppycock. I say: pshaw. I say: hogwash. At some point in every human’s life, he or she has worn CLOTHES.

The only way that I might concede to you having never worn a stitch is if you have naked in your name. If your legal name is Naked Danny Buchanan, then I can believe your story of a full life without clothes. The existence of such a human being notwithstanding, on with the article…

 

-Week 9 of 30-

Sweat

 

Get up from your computer and go run around the block for five minutes. I’ll wait.

Okay, now, touch your forehead.

Feel those beads of water? That is SWEAT.

 

-Week 10 of 30-

Pain

 

Go to your local gunnery and pick yourself up a gun. Nothing fancy, just a .22 or whatever. And buy bullets. Live rounds, no blanks.

When you get home, go sit in your tub buck naked and load your new gun. Aim the gun at either of your pinky toes, depending on which one you like less (or which one you stub more). Pull the trigger, blowing off said little piggy.

Feel that awful sensation that starts in your toe hole and works its way up to your brain? That’s PAIN.

 

-Week 11 of 30-

Fears

 

I’m never going to find true love.

I missed out on the best opportunity of my life and it won’t come around again.

I’m going to choke on a cookie when no one’s around to give me the Heimlich.

A pedophile will kidnap my daughter at the playground.

Freddy Krueger is going to slash me up in my dreams.

These are FEARS.

 

-Week 12 of 30-

Deaths

 

I know you think that your pet goldfish, Bronson Pinchot as Balki, went down the toilet into a wonderful world where all fish who’ve grown too big for their bowls swim together in magic fluorescent pipes that connect the entire world.

He didn’t.

He had a DEATH.

 

-Week 13 of 30-

Names

 

Bob Doondloff

Marcy Clemps

Illignian Horsony

Tilben M. Bottledwater

88 Destiny

Frank Penismonster

Reston Yourlaurels

Fart Tootsalot

These are NAMES.

 

-Week 14 of 30-

Jobs

 

Teacher

Lawyer

Doctor

Firefighter

Professional Fart Blamer

Hitman

Taste Tester

Dancing Telegramist

Runaway Bride

Scrubbing Bubble

These are JOBS.

 

-Week 15 of 30-

Debts

 

There are three vowels that, when strung together, mean something that sucks: I O U.

I’m talking about DEBTS.

 

 -Week 16 of 30-

Memories

 

The first time I kissed a girl.

The first time I sang onstage in a for-serious way.

The last time I saw my grandmother.

The first day of college.

The first time I touched a boob.

The twelfth time I drove across the Walt Whitman Bridge.

The day I got my license and drove by myself.

The second time I touched a boob.

The cold dark day when I realized I could never be a robot. Oh, October 8, 2007!

The only time I let Freddy Hiccups cut my hair.

These are MEMORIES.

 

-Week 17 of 30-

Poops

 

Eat some food. Any kind of food you like. Wash it down with some water. Wait. Feel that sensation in your butthole that says “There are occupants in here that wish to evacuate your premises?” Go to a bathroom. Close the door behind you. Drop your pants and underpants. Sit on the toilet. Push down with your stomach while concentrating on your butthole. Stuff will come out. Stand up and behold the brown snake in the bowl (or the black snake, or the yellow thin snake, or the broken up water bits of unsnakeliness).

This is POOPS.

 

-Week 18 of 30-

Alone Time

 

Are there other people around you?

If not, keep doin’ what you’re doin’, and skip to Paragraph 4.

If so, get up and go to a place where there aren’t any people around. Hopefully you have a laptop or Windows Gameboy and can continue to read this blog entry. If you have a desktop computer, then just yell “Rape fire!” and everyone will evacuate the building. (This only works if you’re at work. If you’re at home, you should yell something that would make the people in the house want to flee. Something like, “Free chocolates down on the corner!” or “I’ve written an epic poem about my first cat. Who wants to hear me read it aloud? It has 36 cantos!”)

You’re alone. This current period for you can be labeled ALONE TIME.

 

-Week 19 of 30-

Sickness

 

Have you ever had a cold? The flu? A sinus infection? Cancer? A coma? Measles? Mumples? Chicken Pox? Malaria? Bubonic plague? Leprosy? Diarrhea? Chlamydia?

If you have, then you’ve experienced SICKNESS.

 

-Week 20 of 30-

Surprise

 

BOO!

Didn’t expect that to be the first word of this blog entry did you? That’s what makes it a SURPRISE.

 

-Week 21 of 30-

Enemies

 

Cats and dogs.

Cops and robbers.

Vampires and vampire slayers.

Super heroes and villains.

Ex-girlfriends and new girlfriends.

The mean jocks in high school who picked on you because you threw like a girl and because you were smarter than they were and they knew one day you’d be somebody and they’d be washed up.

The mean hot girls in high school who picked on you because you had bad skin or were heavyset or didn’t wear the latest fashions and they knew one day you’d be somebody and they’d be stuck with eight kids they didn’t want and multiple venereal diseases.

The nerds who hated you hot girls and jocks.

The conservatives who think liberals are ruining this country by lobbying for more government spending, universal healthcare, and other socialist nonsense.

The liberals who think conservatives are trying to make the rich richer and the poor poorer and use family values and a fake patriotism (that is actually veiled racism) as a smokescreen to get votes from middle America.

Crack for a crack addict.

Chocolate cake for a fatty.

Reality TV for people who enjoy intellectual stimulation.

A toddler’s birthday party for a recovering pedophile.

These are natural ENEMIES.

 

-Week 22 of 30-

Prejudices

 

Asians are bad drivers.

Asians are good at math.

All Italians are in the mob.

Italians are great lovers.

All Irish people are alcoholics.

Irish people are friends with leprechauns and know the whereabouts of various pots of gold around the world.

Ecuadorians can’t correctly use any word longer than five letters.

Lithuanian people explode if you hug them too forcefully.

If you tip back a Zimbabwean’s head, giant Pez comes out of his or her neck.

Robots don’t like the sound of running water.

Martians are obsessed with American boy bands, particularly 98 Degrees.

All gorillas are atheists.

These are PREJUDICES.

 

-Week 23 of 30-

Sleeps

 

At the end of a long day, you come home. You watch some TV, maybe read a book. Or work on your ship in a bottle. Or cut letters out of a magazine to make a ransom note.

Then you get into your pajamas, or just a T-shirt and undies, or just nakedness, and you get into bed. You shut the light. You close your eyes. You drift away.

You wake up in the morning. Or, if you work nights, maybe you wake up in the afternoon. You could really wake up at any point in the day.

And you do this pretty much every day of your life.

These are SLEEPS.

 

-Week 24 of 30-

Lies

 

The check is in the mail.

Don’t call us, we’ll call you.

I swear this is the first time this has ever happened to me.

Those pants make you look way skinny.

How old am I?… 27.

Of course I’m a virgin.

I did not… have… sexual… relations with that woman.
(That’s for you, Republicans!)

Everything G.W. ever said.
(That’s for you, Democrats, Independents, Green Party members, Whigs, and the like!)

That’s one small step for man, one giant leap for mankind.
(That’s for you, paranoid conspiracy theorists!)

Oswald acted alone.
(That’s for you, absolutely correct conspiracy theorists!)

Evolution.
(That’s for you, Fundamentalist goofballs!)

Yeah, this hall pass is for the pool on the roof. I’ll sell it to you for ten dollars.

These are LIES.

 

-Week 25 of 30-

Times

 

8:16 a.m.

4:32 p.m.

Noon

Midnight

0800 hours

These are TIMES.

 

-Week 26 of 30-

Sexes

 

Male.

Female.

Shemale.

Hermaphrodite.

Asexual being with a smooth Ken-Doll-nub for a crotch.

These are SEXES.

 

-Week 27 of 30-

Butts

 

Your hiney.

Your bum.

Your tushbottom.

Your rump shaker.

Your moneymaker.

Your ass.

Your posterior.

Your behind.

Your fanny.

Your derriere.

Your hindquarters.

Your keister.

Your upside-down back boobs.

These are all words for your BUTTS.

 

-Week 28 of 30-

Laws

 

Thou shalt not kill.

Don’t drink and drive.

He who smelt it dealt it.

These are all LAWS.

 

-Week 29 of 30-

Options

 

Chocolate or vanilla.

Chicken or fish.

Red or white.

Peanut butter and jelly or Nutella and marshmallow fluff.

Smoking or non-smoking.

Fake goatee or hula hoop.

Falcon Crest reruns or closed-circuit footage of your cousin grooming a cat.

These are OPTIONS.

 

-Week 30 of 30-

Mistakes

 

Installing the track in the drawer of your Ikea desk in backwards so that the drawer opens in toward the wall and not out toward you.

Removing the right leg during surgery when it was actually the left leg that needed amputating.

Picking up a prostitute that you thought was a woman but turned out to be a tranny.

Picking up a prostitute that you thought was a tranny but turned out to be a regular old boring chick.

Joining the Church of Scientology.

Giving Dr. Phil a TV show.

These are MISTAKES.